When you come from a large family you learn that being considerate is one of the best ways to respect and love others.
This past weekend, I went on a 3,000 mile road trip spanning 4 states to attend a funeral in Washington. Other family members were attending so I was looking forward to time spent with them. I just had to make it through the many miles on the road first.
Luckily, I didn’t traverse the full distance solo and had my brother with me for half of the time. The weekend went better than I had anticipated, but it also highlighted a habit I share with my family. We can be too considerate of each other…which leads to us being inconsiderate of each other. Whoops.
“Good” Consideration
So let me paint you a picture of our full day drives. My brother and I looking out for each other, taking turns driving, proactively asking after the other’s health, etc. This process is working well, and is a great reminder of why I’m so grateful for the relationship I hold with my family…and then we get to the second night of our trip.
Due to health issues, I have a special diet to follow to heal my digestive tract and am unable to eat food with everyone else. I finally find a place to eat at in the evening and since I am going out, I’m also asked to pass by to grab water and coffee for others back at the hotel.
My brother hears I have multiple stops to make so chooses to accompany me to help me handle the additional requests. (What a good guy.)
So we pass by and grab my food first, and while we are en route for stop 2 out of 3, my brother continues to tell me to eat my food rather than wait since I haven’t eaten all day and I must be hungry. I however push back insisting I’d rather wait until we get back to the hotel.
To make him (and also my stomach) happy, I start eating some breadsticks I ordered. Honestly, it did feel good eating something and I was really looking forward to sitting down and eating it all once our other errands were completed.
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“Bad” Consideration
When we get to the next stop my brother hops out of the car faster than I can catch him, saying I should stay in the car and continue eating. I have money to purchase the requested items, but in his haste he didn’t take it with him.
Me, being both stubborn and altruistic, jump out of the car to follow him inside to give him the money.
When we return to the car, we realize a crucial mistake in our consideration of each other…we are 
locked out. He left the keys so I could eat and turn the heater on if needed. I jumped out quickly after him to make sure he had money to pay, taking for granted he had the keys with him since I did not see them in the ignition.
Communication had gone out the door in our attempt to be considerate of the other. And to top it off the food was locked in the car so neither of us could snack while waiting for roadside assistance to come jimmy the door open!
Even though our initial plans were halted, the evening progressed well. It was a short walk back to the restaurant I had ordered from so we sat there while waiting for roadside assistance to help out with the car, and had a great time talking and catching up.
We had a good laugh over the situation we found ourselves in, and chose to take it as a sign to slow down and just enjoy the positives around us: Being able to hang out, see other family on the trip, reflect on our lost loved ones and, thankfully, being able to do that while also eating food.
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Finding the Balance
In the end, this experience highlights a great lesson: Moderation is needed with all things, and consideration for others is no different. Here are specific situations I’ve found occur when consideration is actually detrimental.
1. When consideration for another is done at your expense.
Altruism is a character trait that should be celebrated, but—as with all other things—can be taken too far. If you do not keep yourself in mind when being considerate for another, you are sacrificing the care for yourself that is needed.
When you do not care for you, you are at risk of throwing the relationship out of balance. Yes, we lean on each other. But no, we shouldn’t put our full weight on another because we are too busy thinking of them. That doesn’t help them, it only makes more work for them. Cut that ish out. It isn’t selfish to include yourself in your planning. It is actually a part of being considerate for another.
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2. When another’s needs are counter to what you provide them.
Being considerate isn’t just about what you give to another, it is also about what you don’t give them. Sometimes the form of love and consideration you want to give to them is not what they need. We feel hurt when this happens, but that arises from focusing on ourselves. Sometimes the best way to be considerate of another is to listen to the other person and respect their viewpoint, and vice versa.
It is through these actions that we grow and learn new ways to relate to others. Our toolkit of skills and techniques we use in our interactions with others grows when we take the time to better understand the needs of another. By allowing ourselves to grow in this way, it makes us more capable going forward to provide for others in the way they need it. And this leads into the final situation, which is…
3. When being considerate happens without communication & trust.
Consideration should always be done with communication in mind, otherwise it’s a bunch of people going around doing what they think is right, rather than what is for the given situation.
We are all subjective in our experience and the only way to know we are aligned with others is to communicate. If you aren’t speaking about your wants and another’s wants, you are running off of your internal compass to guide you to do what you believe is right. Sometimes this works. Other times? …not so much.
Consideration for another is about quieting our ego and thinking from their perspective. Not asking them or checking with them what they want, and instead just doing what you think is best, is not being considerate. It can actually turn out to be assumptive and limiting in your relationship. Choose to show love and understanding instead.
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There’s nothing worse than putting your energy into caring for another, only for that care to be off the mark. The intentions behind your actions speak to who you are, but the effect your actions have on others is also important. Being considerate is all about aligning your intentions with actions that benefit everyone, so speak up!
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