Every time I’ve spoken with someone about the Grand Canyon, I am told of it’s greatness. The people who see it talk about how big it is and how awestruck they are in its presence. Naturally, based on this feedback I was expecting to have a similar reaction on my first visit.

However, what I got was so much more because of how much less my experience turned out to be. I didn’t feel greatly moved by the view. Rather, I felt unmoved…and in the process I was reminded of a truth that shifted my perspective on reality.

 

 

Putting the Grand in Grand Canyon

After a five-hour car ride we arrived at the canyon, found parking, and began our short trek to the edge of the South Rim. We got closer and closer, and I could hear others talking about their take on the Canyon, how it affected them, and I grew more curious as to how that feeling would come upon me.

In no time at all we arrived at the edge and I looked out over the vast expanse of the canyon. The moment had arrived. Visually, it is an impressive sight. The canyon is made up of weathered temples, layers of sediment, and so much open space.

I was seeing it, but I wanted to feel it. I was curious what my takeaway would be from this place. Now that I’ve joined the ranks of people who have been to exact spot, would I also speak in awe when I shared this experience later?

So I saw the Canyon, greeted it, opened up to it, and what I felt was….nothing?

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Restlessly Still

It was an eerie feeling and one that seemed out of place in the sea of excitement and flurry of photos that surrounded me. People buzzed with the excitement of seeing something so crazy, so unimaginable, before them. For me though? That feeling of nothing translated itself into complete stillness.

I don’t know how long I stood overlooking the Canyon before we decided to walk along it. I remember thinking that maybe changing activities would allow me to finally feel something, but that sense of nothingness persisted.

Was I broken? Did I lose my ability to feel excitement? What if I lost my spark of believing in magic?? No. I refused to believe that this nothingness came from a place of apathy, from a disconnect.

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Regardless of how I tried to find a different feeling, I couldn’t bring any forward without forcing it and I didn’t want to do that. I realized that there was one question that kept me from taking on a new emotional response: What’s it care about me and my reaction? 

Was this a strange thought? Maybe. But it was genuine and I realized it was not negative in the least. I came to recognize how this thought is what kept me from feeling any of the emotions I thought I would feel.

I realized that whether I felt happy, awestruck, or flustered it would do nothing in the connection I actually shared with the Grand Canyon in that moment. All of those reactions would only come from focusing on what was happening within me.

 

Quieting the Ego

Similar to any interaction I have with others, how I emotionally respond is completely controlled by me. Others provide the stimulus, but I determine the reaction.

By focusing on my emotions I was trying to put the focus on me, or rather my ego, rather than on the shared moment. I was looking for what the Canyon would do for me.

In order to truly experience the canyon, to connect, I had to accept that I couldn’t look into the canyon without first letting go of my ego.

In that moment, I had a choice to make. Do I choose to allow emotions to bubble up in order to make the moment about me, or do I focus instead on acknowledging the majesty of the Grand Canyon by quieting my ego and just being connected?

 

Recognizing the Whole

The Grand Canyon has been forming for millions of years. It has outlasted the rise and fall of innumerable civilizations, even species. It existed long before I was born and will continue on long after I leave this Earth. In comparison to how long it has been around, the amount of time I spent with it is fleeting.

Because of this, I couldn’t bring myself to focus on my own reaction. I wanted to fully embrace the moment for what it was and connect in the most meaningful way possible.

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The decision was simple — I chose to connect with the Grand Canyon on its terms, not on mine…and in doing so I found that they are my terms as well. Buried underneath the worry, anxiety and busy thoughts rushing through my mind every day is a stillness that does not push to be seen. It just is.

I had moments in which I felt like I should be feeling more, but those thoughts were coming from preconceived notions and expectations of what my experience should and would be. It was my ego wanting to be heard, but while I acknowledged it’s presence, I didn’t give it the floor.

 

Finding Peace

The Canyon felt so much more like an old friend whom I had met before, than it did a foreign, gaping expanse that is hard to truly comprehend. I felt a strong connection to more than what I’ve experienced and known in my life so far, and I look forward to future experiences that further strengthen that sensation.

In the end, it was only when I stopped fighting the connection that my feeling of stillness gained a name: Peace.

 

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