Conversations are a cornerstone of the different social interactions we have throughout the day. So why not become more aware of how effective we are in this form of communication?
Luckily, conversations are one of the ways we communicate that we can easily learn skills to become better at it. I’ve compiled the below 5 must-have skills from my experience and interactions with friends, family, coworkers, and even strangers. A universal truth to keep in mind while going through the list is this:
Communication is connection, not competition.
These skills will help you foster effective conversations to break out of the basic mold and lead to stronger connections with those you interact with, both professionally and personally. Let’s get to it!
1. Listen More Than You Speak & Be Attentive
Listening is up first on this list because it is arguably the most important. If you aren’t willing to listen to another and are only waiting for the moment you can share about yourself, you are not having a conversation. You are only searching for an audience. Conversations require an exchange of information.
Listening is key in communication because at its root communication is nothing more than connection. Listening and being present in the conversation is the respect provided to another, acknowledging both their existence and your conscious choice to connect with them.
2. Ask Questions & Don’t Assume What’s Being Said
Cool Fact: There is no limit on the amount of questions you can ask in a conversation. In fact, asking questions shows another that you are invested in what they have to say. Even with this it is amazing how many people avoid asking questions like it’s admitting defeat. Conversations are an open playing field for people to come together and interact, not a battle ground where the only survivors are the ones who don’t ask questions.
Another reason why questions are needed is because without it, there’s no way to double check we are understanding another person the way they mean to be understood. Yes, it’s a speaker’s job to communicate as clearly as they can, but as listener you are equally responsible to follow up on what is said. Practice active listening and ask questions.
3. Recognize Multiple Sides Go Into a Conversation
Think of a conversation as a triangle. There are always 3 sides: yours, theirs, and the truth. The bottom line is the objective truth, and built upon that are two sides leaning against each other. Your leaning is based on your experiences and subjective reality, and theirs is based on their own subjective version of the same or related things.
Countless conversations turn into arguments when people focus on only one side, rather than seeing the whole picture. When all pieces are working together the conversation will flow, but when there is a lack of representation from all three sides, the conversation will be stilted and fail. You can probably recall past conversations that fall under the below categories:
- One Side Only: Failure to accept anything but your side makes you close minded.
- Your Side & Objective Truth: Failure to acknowledge the other person’s viewpoint risks ostracizing them and can lead to them feeling invalidated.
- Their Side & Objective Truth: Rejecting your own truth may be done to get along with another, but it silences your voice and is not a healthy solution.
4. Respect Other Perspectives
Conversations are not about getting everyone thinking the exact same way. As long as the view of another isn’t harming anyone they should have the right to hold that standpoint. Respecting other viewpoints allows us to remain open to learn from them. Your takeaway doesn’t always have to be about how you want to do things, it can also be about what you don’t want to do for yourself. But in the end, if we set out to put limitations on other viewpoints, we end up stifling the right to think freely.
As mentioned earlier, communication is connection, not competition. There isn’t one perspective to be held above all others. If you keep this in mind before entering any conversation, it will no longer be about winning, or coming out on top, but rather about being in the moment.
5. Know When to Drop a Subject
A great conversationalist does more than foster communication and connection. They also help cultivate, mediate and maintain constructive conversations. This is important because without knowing how to recognize when topics threaten the Conversation Triangle it can be hard to proceed without some difficulty.
Now this doesn’t mean that only happy conversations are good ones, but only those that are constructive in nature. I don’t believe any topic is inherently taboo, but it’s all based on how open others are in the conversation and whether or not all of the other must-haves are being upheld.
Aside from the 5 skills provided here, I have a couple more helpful tips:
Don’t Interrupt. Whether or not it’s what you mean to do, interrupting signals a few things.
1)You’re not listening to what the other person has to say;
2)You’re not interested in hearing what they have to say; OR
3)You have made an assumption of what they’re going to say, and are responding to that (essentially, 1 & 2 combined).
Don’t Force the Truth on Anyone. If another is closed off from hearing it, don’t force it on them. It is up to them whether they want to accept what is put out there. All you can do is plant the seed.
Learn Your Speaking Style and Patterns. We’ve learned throughout our lives how we should talk to people to get the results we want. Become more self aware about how you speak with others, what your inherent goal in a conversation is, and any quirks or flaws that can be harming your ability to connect with another. By uncovering what we are looking for and how we relate to others, we can better understand which skills we already possess, and which may need more attention from us.
That’s all I have for today. I’d love to know how this list works out for you, and of any other tips and tricks you use to foster communication and conversation with those around you! Leave a comment, or you can join the monthly newsletter to connect and stay notified of the happenings here.
