Impressions. Everyone has them. Some strive to make the best ones on others, others try their best to break free of them. Regardless of where you fall on the spectrum, it can’t be denied that impressions shape the fabric of connection that exists between all of us.
We form impressions about everything we come in contact with, but this isn’t inherently a bad thing. There are biological advantages to being able to assess whether something is dangerous to our wellbeing within a few seconds of being around it, but as we’ve evolved our impressions have done more than keep us safe.
We now use impressions to get a leg up in life personally and professionally. Many books have been written providing tips on how to make the best impression when meeting your new boss, potential love interest, or anyone else. Likewise, we are always in a position to form impressions of others. What some fail to realize though is how much the impressions they hold of others reflect back on themselves — their experiences, beliefs, and personal expectations.
Whenever we relate to others, we approach them from our own subjectivity (Check out my last post if you’re curious to learn more on this). Impressions, similarly, are subjective. They are formed from our understanding of social norms and our own expectations for life. We get impressed by things that exceed a certain threshold based on our own wants, desires, and beliefs of prestige and good reputation. When we are not aware of how we communicate our beliefs to others, our subjectivity can also extend to the praise we give to others.
“We judge others instantly by their clothes, their cars, their appearance, their race, their education, their social status. The list is endless. What gets me is that most people decide who another person is before they have even spoken to them. What’s even worse is that these same people decide who someone else is, and don’t even know who they are themselves.” -Ashly Lorenzana
Giving Praise with Strings Attached
“I’m impressed.”
We get excited when we hear this phrase and similar comments. We like making a good impression, hearing that others like us, and receiving praise. And because we like how we feel when this happens, we offer the same to others when we offer praise. We compliment them by telling them we are impressed. These types of phrases are aimed to empower another in their decisions, but when we break the word choice down we see there is more embedded in the language that impacts our mindset on acceptance than we think.
Here are 3 different variations that express the same meaning as “I’m impressed” while maintaining the base sentence’s components:
- What you have done impresses me.
- I admire what you have done.
- I think what you have said/done is better than average.
Where is the focus in all of these variations of “I’m impressed”? The Self – I. I am impressed. What you have done impresses me. Whenever you say these phrases to give praise to another, you make your opinion an integral part of the compliment.
Even when all we mean is to provide praise, when we include any tie to ourselves in the statement the given compliment is automatically tied to our viewpoint. Saying we are impressed can give others the warm fuzzies of acceptance, but it does so in connection to how we think, judge, and feel about the situation and what they have done. Our praise then does not stand alone objectively. The form of empowerment that is given from subjective praise conditions the receiver to seek praise along the same lines, and their future actions are directed towards pleasing the praise giver’s subjectivity.
Breaking Boundaries Set By Impressions
Everyone wants to be accepted. So because of this, we learn to focus on saying, acting, and doing things which will yield appreciation and praise from others. When we are judged by another’s subjectivity, our worth is diminished to only what the other recognizes in us and leaves aspects of our Self unacknowledged.
This is where praise plays a large role in shaping, and at times hindering, the growth of all of us. It’s no wonder so many people seek approval from others since it’s been programmed into us through social norms.
The idea of impressing or being impressed by someone is not a compliment, but rather a judgment based on subjective beliefs and socially accepted norms. The good news though is that we can remove our need to please others and replace it with habits that nurture our growth by understanding how we communicate with others and ourselves.
Value Appreciation, not Impression
Don’t live your life to impress others, or to live up to your own impressions for that matter. Let go of the expectations you hold for yourself and focus on what fills your life with meaning and joy. From there, see how your life unfolds free from boundaries.
Here’s a breakdown on impressions, how to build your self awareness to differentiate what others say to you, and also how you impact others with your words:
